Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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