I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
