true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
