I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
