At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
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you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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