I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
