How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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