I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
