I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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