all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.