i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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