Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
