he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize