Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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