I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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