why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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