Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I didn't shave. On purpose
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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