I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
