i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
