i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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