I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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