# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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