I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
