Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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