My first STD was from a foam party
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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