so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
