I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
