you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
