I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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