I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
