he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
