Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
