This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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