Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I fill condoms, not promises.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do you remember whose house we're in?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
