Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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