The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
