the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
