i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
