you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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