Sponge bath it is.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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