so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
