I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
