I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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