Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
