I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
