sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you win again, gameday.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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