You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
