Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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