Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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