Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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