god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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