wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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