i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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