her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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