We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
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I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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